My heart got broke today, Andy.

My dearest friend,
I searched for you for years, do you know that? You were my best male friend in high school. You with your shy unassuming ways, your beautiful baby face. Quiet to those that didn't know you. But you were MY Andy. MY bestie.
Funny.. with all memories I struggle with of that time, I can recall your face and hear your voice at will. What I wouldn't give to see you again right now.

I want you to know throughout the years, every time I heard from an old school mate, I'd ask the same thing in anticipation,
'Hey, have you heard from or know anything of Andy?'
How many times did I hear,
'No I don't, Jamie.'
How do I convey to you how badly I wanted to find you? I never stopped looking.
So I went along, faith in perhaps one day I would luck out and hear something about you. I had such a need to find my Andy again.

Little did I know my wish was about to come true on August 3rd, 2012. 32 years later.
I found you, my dearest friend.
I found you looking back at me with that beautiful smile on the 'Remembrance' table of our high school reunion.
The table honouring those who died way before their time.

I froze Andy, trying to assimilate what was in front of me. What were you doing there??
This was just a horrible mistake. Surely.You couldn't be gone, someone stuck your picture in the wrong fucking place. Why wasn't it beside mine down the hallway?
Time stopped right there and then. I got tunnel vision, Andy. I tried so hard to deny this moment of truth.
It just simply couldn't be.
But like a movie reel set on slow motion reality hit and I felt the pain of my heart being ripped in two.

My search had come to an end.

There wasn't one time during the reunion I passed that awful table and didn't reach out to stroke your face.
I walked the school looking for you. I sat on the bench where we always did, the bench we were supposed to be sharing,laughing and reminiscing. I wanted to see those beautiful brown eyes of yours again. DAMN it Andy, I just wanted another one of your hugs.
I cried hard for you sitting there, omg how much I cried. I grieved in solitude because surely no one but no one hurt at your passing like I did. No one missed you more than I because you were my.best. friend.

After the floodgate of tears abated a little, I somehow came to understand why I had felt such a pull to come to this reunion even when I hadn't had any intention in doing so.  Was this your hug to me? You wanted me to know, didn't you? You needed me to stop looking.

And so now I will, I have finally found you.

Promise me this,my beautiful Pal, when my time comes and I get up there, I want to find you sitting on a bench waiting for me. We have some catching up to do.

R.I.P Andy.
I miss you more than ever.

Jamie