July Photograph A Day

Here is the completed list for PosterJackDotCa's July PhotoSnapShots Photo Challenge

On Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151963663110043.885365.673960042&type=1

On Pinterest:
http://pinterest.com/jamieprov/july-photosnap-photo-challenge/

Tiny Bubbles

Tiny bubbles in the wine air.

For those who are past the age of 40, you are so going to have that song stuck in your head. All day. You're welcome  

(click to enlarge) 

Look closely, my daughter's on the right( and bottom left)  I'm center.

I didn't even rate a text.

A little thing on the overall grand scheme of things but such it was that it broke the camel's back. Or rather mine. Or rather prompted me to call it quits. Again. How many times is this now?

I tried, honestly I really did. I changed the rules of the game, I took myself out of front and centre yet made myself readily available. 

She's questioning, I know she deserves to know but is she ready to hear the answer?
No doubt her support system will say, 'I told you so or I knew it was going to happen'
What they don't know, however, is the ins & outs of our story.

We were unquestionably tight friends at some point till her need and reliance on me became unbearable and it suffocated me, I gave till I couldn't anymore. She would tell you that.

So I walked away. Oh we had our arguments and days of not speaking but I did walk away after I couldn't cope anymore.
I'm not sure the length of time.. couple of months?

And now, for the second time, I walked away again. I know the date. It was her birthday of this year. I knew I had to do it, I came to understand where I was on the ladder of importance.
Not even worthy of a text.
That's where I stood.

A time not so long ago I would be right up there on the top with room for others to be there with me. I encouraged and celebrated her other friendships even if she had trouble doing the same for me. I had to constantly soothe her ruffled feathers, I knew it was something I had to do, it was part of who she was. She would tell you that too. 


But from the moment I went to find her after our first 'break up'  to this time, things changed. I thought for the better. She no longer relied on me for every single thing, she had a network of support other than me. It gave me the freedom to be more comfortable around her, not so wary if I was going to let her down. 


But being let down was a constant thing with her. We'd make plans, she'd almost always cancel. Quite often at the last minute. Partly her crazy schedule, partly her family, and for all the stuff going on in her world. But then again in all the years, I had always managed to make time for her,often sacrificing time away from my family and my life was hard then.
This go round, we'd see each other for coffee sporadically and we'd catch up. 
Well, I'd catch up with her life really. There was so much going on with her, it would often take up the entire 3 or 4 hrs we'd meet. 
Which was ok, really. It gave her a chance to unload.. 
But little by little I started realizing the words she spoke and the actions that followed didn't mesh. If she told me something in the past to do with us or me, she'd carry through or do her best.
This time promises of sending me pages to read, of places we'd go, of things we'd do, no matter what it was big or little..it just wouldn't happen.  
Whatever the reason, I knew they were more or less just words. Quite often she'd forget as soon as she would say something. 
I was delegated to status of every other person I knew she'd done that to.


As is often the case it always seems to be a small thing to set a final decision in motion. Or as the saying goes, 'The straw that broke the camel's back'. 
And sure, it happened. On April 19/2012.   


The straw/camel/back thing happened in the form of a book launch, her book launch. ( years ago we had planned and executed an editing party for another book of hers. So it was natural I'd jump on this one, at her request, without hesitation. We shared a mutual love of being immersed in the writing world. Her the writer, me the reader.) 
Plans were made to meet at a designated place, she was going to drive as I have a lousy sense of direction and get very nervous and easily confused when I go where I've never been before. 
Two days prior she had cancelled yet another coffee meet and I reminded her we were to meet for the book launch.
Only to see on FB ( Good ol' Facebook sigh )  she was on her way there without so much as an email or call letting me know I wasn't needed/or going to be met. 
Um..hello? Did I miss something here? 

Small thing to you reading it, I'm sure, but a telling one to me. I didn't even rate a text. In the 15 years of all  the blood and sweat poured into a solid belief in her, her abilities, the reading/writing, the desire to help at the drop of a hat, the times she came before my family, the countless hours of leaning on me for support and I didn't even rate a text. 

That hurt. And for me it was the single most defining moment of where I stood. The writing was on the wall in a rather BIG font. Or, if you wish, on the page she'd just put on the table.
So I did it. 
I took her page and typed in 'The End' and tucked it in the closing chapter of our story. I closed the book on a 15 yr friendship and decided, for the final time, to walk away.  (Geeze, a wee bit dramatic there hey Jamie?!) 

She has her support system, her family and her career is  finally taking off. I can be happy for her (and will be from afar) but I chose to walk away from it and her. It was quite apparent I'd served my purpose and my use/job was done. 

I know she went through my blog posts and read some sort of pattern where there is/was none. ( other than me freaking out about turning 50, the joys of living with adult children, those monsters mutts of mine )
She'll have the answer and the closure she needs. ( Or maybe that's a bit presumptuous of me to assume she needs one )
And undoubtedly, in her mind she'll look to be able to twist it back upon to me. It is how she'll carry on. And that's ok with me. We all do what we must for the beat to go on.
Like I did. Or am doing now by writing it out. Like I often do.


But really.. 

I didn't even rate a text.

Till next time, my bloggie friends.

Why I ask you. WHY??

google Image

Why do I do the ugly cry every time? Complete with a runny nose, red blotchy skin and not a kleenex to be found?? Not only the ugly cry but the ugly ugly cry. Why can't I cry pretty like they do on TV?

Why does it seem only middle age balding men (or those sporting a bad combover) with big bellies drive convertibles?  Why do I have to be held witness to such a sight?

Why is it I will step in the only fracking pile of dog crap in the back yard?? Or the only hairball/stomach bile pile in the basement? What have I done to upset the Poo Gods?

Why is it I am fresh out of 'Here's your sign' signs when I need it the most? Does that mean I'll have to be more selective in the level of stupid I choose to hang the sign on?

Why is it the town's tree at the front of my house is the only dead one out of the entire neighbourhood?

Why do some people have obvious trouble with their vision? While I get the beauty and beholder jazz, clearly some are blind as bats. He's not that good lookin', honey. And his personality makes him harder to look at even still.

Why do you ask me about my bandage then proceed to talk endlessly about yourself? You are a stranger. Ergo: I don't really give two shits about how yours is much worse than mine. In fact I was minding my own till you stepped into my line of vision and didn't move.

Answer me this: If you are brokeass, your mother pays your mortgage every third month because you are one away from repossession, your hubby and kids's clothes are hand me downs, your FIL gives you money for food and you've broken the piggy bank, literally, for diapers, why o why did you go a get yourself PREGNANT? A planned one to boot?? Here you sit crying that some family members haven't congratulated you yet, gee I wonder why.. they're probably afraid you'll be asking them to buy the diapers/milk and nappies in a few months.
How completely selfish of you on so many different levels.

Why and how do you get confused between milk and cream for coffee?? Do you or do you not work with the stuff on a daily basis? In a coffee establishment no less. Is it beyond your level of button pushing? Why did you ruin my much revered coffee break?   

Why and how do some people get too big for their britches? 

Why must it be my fault? I see a pattern here.

Why does my daughter leave and her dog mopes after her? Why does my hubby leave and his dog acts like it's the end of the world? Save the dramatics already, you both are dee oohh gee sssses. If I wanted drama, I know where I can find it.

Why does bathroom seem so far away at this very moment?

What about you, my bloggie friends? What are the whys of your world?

Notes to Self

Notes to Self:

** Do not, and this begs repeating, do not post FB statuses you will have to go and delete 10 minutes later due to stupid ol' Catholic guilt or fear of karma. Even if it was funny and true. Involving a bitch and a bj.

** Understand there are self serving peeps in this world. Seemingly all concentrated around a 20 mile radius. Either that or you are sending out funky pheromones inviting them to cross paths with you on a weekly basis. I wonder if there's an app for that?

** the joy of a four year old is much deeper when her mother's there to deal with it all. :-)

** on the same thread, do not teach 'cup of cheese' to any future grandchildren. You will be sorry.

** When told coffee aggravates pre-menopausal symptoms don't do the polar opposite and start drinking more. That's just stupid reverse psychology.. reversed twice.

** Asshats will be asshats. Can't change them, shoot 'em or banish them to the nether regions. I wonder if I can kick 'em in the kneecap? Hard.

** You've earned each and every dollar you've made listing your stuff for sale. You should commend yourself on holding back your tongue and fingers when composing replies back to some glaringly stupid people. You are rockin' the tongue holdin', my girl! ( hold on tight, you can cut 'er loose when all is done and gone.Keep emails of the stupidest ones)

** When you go back 'home' state to your family here you are reachable during certain times of the 24 hr clock. Like.. let's say.. midnight to 8 am. On text only. With the cell on silent. Only they won't know the 'silent' part. ha ha You smart cookie you.  

** Social days you have should be shouted out in the middle of town. By a town cryer. Complete with scroll and outfit. Dare you request it a town holiday? Compose email to the local paper. Along with suggestions how to get rid of your... yes.. asshat neighbours.

** So what if you grab two of the four fans in the house. You're the one who's premenopausal. Those other two females are young chicks. Fully capable of grabbing the hose and hosing themselves down. Or you will happily offer the task. Make the kind suggestion they tie themselves down to the garden chairs as the shock of the cold water might send them scrambling. Promise them you'll go easy. ( Do white lies come back to haunt a person? Willing to take the chance) 

** You will disallow yourself to grow anything from this day forward. You are a plant killer. An aloe vera plant killer. There! Admitting it is step one. Chuck the ungrateful thing ( because you really fail to see what you did to displease the persnickety thing ) in the garbage. Ground the terra cotta pot to dust, add it to the compost and shut the lid on the whole thing. Problem solved. Ha! How easy was that?

** Burn 'Notes to Self' You have named names. It can potentially, when falling in the wrong hands, come back and burn your butt. Cover all bases. Again, you smart cookie you. :-)

** What about you, my bloggy friends? What are your notes to self?