I didn't even rate a text.

A little thing on the overall grand scheme of things but such it was that it broke the camel's back. Or rather mine. Or rather prompted me to call it quits. Again. How many times is this now?

I tried, honestly I really did. I changed the rules of the game, I took myself out of front and centre yet made myself readily available. 

She's questioning, I know she deserves to know but is she ready to hear the answer?
No doubt her support system will say, 'I told you so or I knew it was going to happen'
What they don't know, however, is the ins & outs of our story.

We were unquestionably tight friends at some point till her need and reliance on me became unbearable and it suffocated me, I gave till I couldn't anymore. She would tell you that.

So I walked away. Oh we had our arguments and days of not speaking but I did walk away after I couldn't cope anymore.
I'm not sure the length of time.. couple of months?

And now, for the second time, I walked away again. I know the date. It was her birthday of this year. I knew I had to do it, I came to understand where I was on the ladder of importance.
Not even worthy of a text.
That's where I stood.

A time not so long ago I would be right up there on the top with room for others to be there with me. I encouraged and celebrated her other friendships even if she had trouble doing the same for me. I had to constantly soothe her ruffled feathers, I knew it was something I had to do, it was part of who she was. She would tell you that too. 


But from the moment I went to find her after our first 'break up'  to this time, things changed. I thought for the better. She no longer relied on me for every single thing, she had a network of support other than me. It gave me the freedom to be more comfortable around her, not so wary if I was going to let her down. 


But being let down was a constant thing with her. We'd make plans, she'd almost always cancel. Quite often at the last minute. Partly her crazy schedule, partly her family, and for all the stuff going on in her world. But then again in all the years, I had always managed to make time for her,often sacrificing time away from my family and my life was hard then.
This go round, we'd see each other for coffee sporadically and we'd catch up. 
Well, I'd catch up with her life really. There was so much going on with her, it would often take up the entire 3 or 4 hrs we'd meet. 
Which was ok, really. It gave her a chance to unload.. 
But little by little I started realizing the words she spoke and the actions that followed didn't mesh. If she told me something in the past to do with us or me, she'd carry through or do her best.
This time promises of sending me pages to read, of places we'd go, of things we'd do, no matter what it was big or little..it just wouldn't happen.  
Whatever the reason, I knew they were more or less just words. Quite often she'd forget as soon as she would say something. 
I was delegated to status of every other person I knew she'd done that to.


As is often the case it always seems to be a small thing to set a final decision in motion. Or as the saying goes, 'The straw that broke the camel's back'. 
And sure, it happened. On April 19/2012.   


The straw/camel/back thing happened in the form of a book launch, her book launch. ( years ago we had planned and executed an editing party for another book of hers. So it was natural I'd jump on this one, at her request, without hesitation. We shared a mutual love of being immersed in the writing world. Her the writer, me the reader.) 
Plans were made to meet at a designated place, she was going to drive as I have a lousy sense of direction and get very nervous and easily confused when I go where I've never been before. 
Two days prior she had cancelled yet another coffee meet and I reminded her we were to meet for the book launch.
Only to see on FB ( Good ol' Facebook sigh )  she was on her way there without so much as an email or call letting me know I wasn't needed/or going to be met. 
Um..hello? Did I miss something here? 

Small thing to you reading it, I'm sure, but a telling one to me. I didn't even rate a text. In the 15 years of all  the blood and sweat poured into a solid belief in her, her abilities, the reading/writing, the desire to help at the drop of a hat, the times she came before my family, the countless hours of leaning on me for support and I didn't even rate a text. 

That hurt. And for me it was the single most defining moment of where I stood. The writing was on the wall in a rather BIG font. Or, if you wish, on the page she'd just put on the table.
So I did it. 
I took her page and typed in 'The End' and tucked it in the closing chapter of our story. I closed the book on a 15 yr friendship and decided, for the final time, to walk away.  (Geeze, a wee bit dramatic there hey Jamie?!) 

She has her support system, her family and her career is  finally taking off. I can be happy for her (and will be from afar) but I chose to walk away from it and her. It was quite apparent I'd served my purpose and my use/job was done. 

I know she went through my blog posts and read some sort of pattern where there is/was none. ( other than me freaking out about turning 50, the joys of living with adult children, those monsters mutts of mine )
She'll have the answer and the closure she needs. ( Or maybe that's a bit presumptuous of me to assume she needs one )
And undoubtedly, in her mind she'll look to be able to twist it back upon to me. It is how she'll carry on. And that's ok with me. We all do what we must for the beat to go on.
Like I did. Or am doing now by writing it out. Like I often do.


But really.. 

I didn't even rate a text.

Till next time, my bloggie friends.