Probie in training- Ode to my sister

I didn't expect a career change at this point of my life
but there you have it.
Probie.
It's my name, it's the game.

Training started early, in that small unique shopping mecca.
Looks were deceiving, shadows shifting ever so slightly.
My sister was my trainer. She looked at me, asked me what he was wearing.
I was hooked. The training was intense.
Nefarious characters everywhere, my eyes darted from this person to
that suspicious one lounging over there.
He was talking on the cell, and I knew the moment he made us.
Action was required. I had her back, she had mine.

I hauled her into the building as quickly as I could.
What was that smell?
Following my nose, I fell upon an unbeliveable operation.
Bagels, thousands of them. I looked at my sister and
she gave a slight nod of her head.
Muscles tight with anticipation, I sprang into action.
"Two dozen sesame seed bagels please", I looked at him.
Gathering intel was hard work but it was worth the price.
Even if I had to eat two dozen bagels to uncover his game.
My sister approved. I passed the test.

She told me what the general population didn't know left them
unprotected and defenseless.
But I'm protected for I am PROBIE.
I owe it to my sister. She is the Sensi of this job and I am
her Grasshopper.
I can't devulge any information or names,
the sworn secrecy of the Probie.
It's my name, it's the game.

Canadian Kitchen Whore

http://www.lamsonsharp.com/lamson.html

I'm the best person to take a handfull of loose change and maximize the amount.
I fail miserably when I'm in a kitchen store.

I've just come from some quaint little store that sells so many
fabulous kitchen 'stuffs'. ( Not the 'As seen on TV' kind either.)
Only on the east side of North Amercia would
I come across such a lovely little store.

I went in there a few days ago,walked out without purchasing a single thing (yet I touched everything ha! )
I suffered withdrawls.
Had to go back before I left Massachusetts or it was going to haunt my entire next year.

I'm sitting here with a huge grin on my face.
I'm sad. Pathetic. In need of a kitchen shopoholic anon group.
But 48$ ain't bad ya know. It's not like I spent 500$ but ohhhhhhh I SO could have.
In a snap. ( 189$ for a sauce pan  and they had a whole SET of pans. sighhh )
I have to claim when I cross the border. 500$ would of blew my allowable limit
right out of the water.
I practiced restraint and it hurt like a friggen bi*ch. Damn I'm good.

 Got a few treats for my family, a few articles of clothing for me and a whole
bus load of memories. Fair trade.
I was fortunate to be able to see my good friend with her first grandbaby.
I have to tell you, the maternal side is a MUCH better place to be.
She's paternal side but I know her. She'll be the first to show that baby many 'firsts'
(I think ice cream is high on the priority list.) in spite or despite what her son
and wife say. I agree, it's her rights as a G-ma.

 As much as I've enjoyed my time here though I miss my 'homeland'.
The familiarity of the essence of Canada.

Passing through customs in Toronto , first stop after that? Tim Horton's. Yayyy
Jonsing for one and won't stop till I get that large warm liquid gold.
Even if I have to make the plane wait.

Roots set deep in the bottom of a coffee cup
Eh.

Clarity in the moment

Sometimes there are moments where clarity hits sideways.
I had such a moment today, sitting in my hairdresser's chair.
She and I go back a long ways. I had the good fortune of finding
her at the previous place I went for my hair needs. We hit it off right away.
I 'lost' her for a couple of years and lo and behold , as I was boarding a
plane to Hawaii, there she was. What luck! Or was it.. luck?
She and I have intense conversations once every eight weeks. Anything from
soup to nuts and the messes inbetween. I love those times and conversations with her.

During our visits, when she draws from me, she gives back with the core of who she is , her very essence. She's not even aware she does it with me but I recognize it and feel it.
When I draw from her, I make sure I give back what I take much in the same way.

There's been a decision I've had to make recently and it's not been an easy one but of all people, I knew she'd understand. She bought that T-shirt already.
At a point in the conversation I said that when someone takes from another,
(be it tangible or otherwise ) a person must replace that. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the decision I had made rightened itself in one fell swoop. I had just balanced my scales and fully understood
why I had made that decision. I actually stopped talking for a heartbeat, I heard the 'click'.
I also know now why I don't have to shield my 'self' from some people. It is what I know on a
much deeper level. Something I recognize instinctively. They give back some 'thing' of themselves, freely, without drawing or pulling from me.
Read up on sensitives and empaths.
No, it's not paranormal, it's just simply (or maybe not so simply) what I am.

As I prepare for bed, I feel a sense of peace. I don't think my dreams
will be invaded with my decision. (Such weird dreams lately but I knew why.)

Clarity, be it the sideways or in your face kind , it's a good thing.
:-)

I'm not my clothes.

But I am what my mood dictates me to be.
Today was a 'skinny' day, let's shop!

I found not one but TWO pairs of jeans. After WEEKS of looking, trying on and discarding.
I'm stoked!
I have to admit, though, I'm a lazy shopper. I walk in, grab the first unwilling sales associate
(good customer service? Don't get me started ) and make her earn her wage for that hour.
Hey, I did admit, I'm a l a z y shopper. Truth? I hate shopping most days.
Today, my friends, was a good day for I had the pleasure of being approached by a smiling and willing
sales associate. Yes, I said smiling and willing.
Now that, in customer service, equals a lottery win.
She scoped me out, or rather my body type and found me two HOT pairs of jeans.
And size 28?! Somebody pinch me, yeah?
The look on hubby's face when I walked out of the dressing room with them sealed the deal.
That boy appreciates me in a good fitting pair of jeans me thinks.

So, one thing off my list, one more to go.
An equally hot pair of bitch boots or a 'come on, I dare ya' pair of shit kickin' boots.
Maybe both...I've been known to wear each mood with conviction.
 :-)

Foil, Fools and Facing Facts

Foil

Today I donned my Mama cape , fired up the Jeep and became 'Meals on Wheels' for my eldest daughter.
Armed with a bag full of frozen food foil containers  ( today's letter, kids, is the letter 'F' ) I became a woman on a mission. Get out of my way.
My mission, that I took upon myself to create, was to feed my beauty healthy home made food. She keeps crazy hours at work ( mostly due to childish insubordinate staff that she manages but that's a story for another day) and I know she doesn't eat home food much since moving out.
Well, we'll have none of that thank you very much. Now when I make supper, out comes that handy dandy little container. Don't matter if the family wants seconds, my kid will get her share. :-)
Mission accomplished,I'm satisfied. And I STILL get to mother her in my own sneaky little ways.

Fools

The lot of them are for sure. What IS it about this city that makes drivers treat these roads like the Indy 500?
Ok sure, I ran into a cement cylinder a few nights back, but people! that was in a parking lot doing 7 miles an hour. The fool that passed me today,( doing oh 45 above the speed limit ) cut me off, flipped ME the bird and ran the red? Fool, a dangerous one at that.

The three of them were for sure. Little sisters, you think I'm old? You , in your young twenties? Yes we were eyeing the same pair of jeans at the Gap but honies? I've had two kids, I have more curves born out of the sheer act of birthing those babies. And want to know the truth, if I wasn't happily married and decided to become a cougar, you little sweethearts couldn't hold a candle in many areas. I know what I want and how to get it, you are still trying to figure out where you're going and asking for directions.
By the way, you'll be MY age before you know it. You WILL experience the same moment you put me through.
Silly little fools.

I shake my head at some of the relationships I witness sometimes. Love , if it's a mathmatical equation, isn't readily understood by all. Lust? 2 + 2 down pat. Status, money, looks, the car. Yep, that'll keep you warm on a deep down level, happiness is yours to have. 'He's hotter to me because all the women look at him', ( are you shittin' me?! ) I'm twenty 28 years into my relationship, let me tell you the LONG road it takes to get here. Oh sorry, you know that already do you?
Fools in denial.

Facing Facts

I took quite a bit of time this weekend to think and process. It's been a year of let downs and tough realities. Some years are easy, some are not. C'est la vie. ( that's life ) I've had quite a few changes happen in the last few months and anyone who knows me, knows I can take it on the chin. But in doing so, I have had to accept a few home truths. Nope I'm not twenty anymore, I can't go indefinitly without sleep, I don't have the patience I used to and damn it all if some parts of me are rebelling. ( two upcoming surgeries , both unavoidable and yeah, I'm pissed about it ) But I've also come to accept that certain situations need to change. So I've declared the month of October as 'Me' month. It is a work in progress.
Facing Facts, not for the faint of heart. lol

And remember kids,
Today's letter is the letter 'F'

:-)

But I didn't SEE it!

Today was really busy with all I had to do, I was looking forward
to my coffee date with my good friend, Princess. ( a.k.a Michelle )
People watching, good conversation and laughing till
the tears were rolling down. ( get her to tell you about the canoe incident. City girls
and canoes don't mix. PERIOD )

But as is all good things, it had to come to an end. Sunday night's to do list still
to be done. Monday mornings come early enough. UGH

Off we go, ambling towards our cars, laughing about old Chapters days.
We get in, wave goodbye to each other. She veered right, I stepped on the gas,
intending of feeling the pull of the left hand turn and BANG! I heard
the sickening sounds of metal crunching on...something?
WTF? I blinked, confused. Hm, what just happened here?
And just WHERE did this STUPID light standard come from???

I backed up,peeling my jeep off and steered around it, goosing the gas pedal. I WAS going
to feel the g-forces of that left hand turn damn it! I made it home, parked the Jeep,crossed my fingers and opened my door.
Please God, I prayed, don't let it be too bad.

A good portion of the wheel well is torn in half, there's a big fat scratch and dent just before the driver's door, my pride in tatters. But I started laughing, partly due to nerves, partly due to the fact I now have to tell my hubby what I did.

In the many years since I've had my driver's licence I have NEVER done anything like this.
Believe me, you don't live where I do and manage to avoid accidents ( fool damn drivers )
without testimony to your driving skills.
And what do I do?? Run into a DAMN 4 foot cement cylinder that I"m parked ONE stall
away from.

Did I mention  I still have to tell hubby? GULP.
The 'GULP' is not from fear, he has never made me feel that, but rather from
embarrassment. And I know myself, I'll start bawling like a baby when I
tell him.
It's hard for me to wrap my head around what I did. I'm not perfect by any means,
don't get me wrong. But I just don't DO things like this.

Princess, you're picking me up next time. Apparently I can't see a lit light standard at night in
a parking lot that I'm parked right beside.
I would of rather been in that canoe with you and tumbled into the lake.

Time to face the music.... um, well maybe tomorrow when he calls.

** Addendum

I ended up txt'ing him. ( in my defense, I tried calling him first )
He called me within 5 seconds of me sending that text. He hadn't read it yet.
And true to form, I started bawling right away.
It frustrates him when I cry, I can't be understood and his initial
reaction is ' Shit, what happened now?? ' If I can't get it out right away
it's almost suspended time for him waiting to hear, I understand him on that. My heart goes to
the FLOOR when one of my daughters call crying hard. No matter the reason, the
reaction is always the same.

It's days like this I miss my Oh Shit Handle ( read the previous blog if you haven't already)
with every fiber of my being. I need a hug from him, that's what will chase it all away.
He'll be home in four days, I have no choice but to wait.
For now, I'm off in search of a hack saw to cut off the offending piece of fender.
hmm why does that make me feel better?
I know.. I'm 'erasing' my stupid mistake.
Sigh.