April's Open Letters

Not so Dear First time @ the Gym person? 

So.. this is a gym and as you can see it's a big gym. So why oh why oh why would you choose to park yourself right beside me, a hair away from my personal bubble space? I can tell you don't get gym etiquette. This is not a pick up bar. Don't get thisclose to someone working out. (namely me) and expect smiles and friendliness. You're interrupting my concentration, my rep counting and most of all I am not happy anymore. I am thinking not so nice thoughts.  Your biggest problem, bar none, is your B.O. buddy. It defies explanation. It is pungent, in a throat clogging way. And sour, I've no idea why, I'm so not going there. Your clothes look rescued from the recesses of the darkest corner of your dirt floor basement. You cost me the last 1/3 of my workout. It takes me a whole lot to get me to stop and you managed it in 5 seconds flat. I.could. not. breath. 

And honey? Not even if you were the last man on earth. You can take that to the bank.

Signed, 

YMCA showers are free of charge, ya?

Dear Pasty White Idiot, 

When you called blacks 'niggers' did it make you feel all powerful? I'm assuming you are a White Power uneducated, brainless excuse of a human being wanna be. My grandbebe is biracial but even if she wasn't, you still got yourself a one way ticket to assholeville, no class of course,those like you have none. Keep spewing your crap, eventually you'll drown in it. One can only hope. 

Signed, 

Colour is beautiful, rainbows rock. 

Dear Ms Fancy Car,

I'm sorry I didn't send you a warning that my trusty 7 yr old Jeep and I were going to be on the road today. I had the audacity to be in front of your sleek little number as well. I should be shot, or the very least run into the ditch judging by your put out reaction.. 

By the way, I noticed after you gunned your car ( fishtailed it a tad I see, tsk tsk.. lack of control in more ways than one, ya?) and cut me clean off, you've a bad case of bed head. I really hope no one points it out and you go in many public places with that flattened out crop circle look your sportin'. 

Signed, 

Trust me, I can be the Bigger Bitch.  

Dear Smoker, 

And the purpose of going to the gym, working out like a madman, only to go outside for a smoke afterwards would be...?

Signed, 

Workout Fail. 

Dear Me, 

Why hello there. It's been a while, I see. Ready to get out of the hidey hole you've been in since January? Looking forward to getting to know you again. You overworked, underpaid and grossly under appreciated person you.. 

Signed,

Bustin' out of my self made for sanity reasons cocoon. 

Dear Person I know in RL,

Tis said that eyes are mirrors to the soul. I wonder if you even realize how yours are. I look at your pictures and your smile does not even reach past your upper lip. Your eyes are cold stopping just short of flat. It's striking really.. yet not, given the personality. 

Signed, 

The eyes don't lie. 


Dear Cosmos,

Are we a full moon soon? What's with the crazies coming out of the woodwork lately? And why are they all crossing MY path?? Did someone at the funny farm steal day passes and hold a raffle with my name engraved on the tickets? Wtf gives?

Signed,

Really.. one is enough.