Open Letters

Open Letters

Dear FB chick,
I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to advertise what you are selling using my picture to do it. Even if you are charging 6 times what I am.
Logical selling etiquette 101, dumb-ass.
Signed,
Jamie-selling MY thing, not yours. 


Dear High School Reunion Alumnus, 
I apologize ahead of time. I don't think I will remember you :-( If you see me going for a wine refill more than twice, stop me. I'm actually just trying to cover my embarrassment at not remembering by becoming inebriated thus embarrassing myself even further.  And yes, that is Donna G I will be hiding behind. It was pre-arranged. 
Signed, 
Jamie Class of  um ahh errr - Hey Donna? What year again??' 



Dear Body, 
Quit changing your bloody mind on how you want to work mmkay? I'm trying to keep up but you keep changing the rules. Not fair. And I don't like your game plan much. 
Signed, 
Forced to play your way. 



Dear Car Owner, 
Did you or did you not see the signS ( indicating more than ONE ) stating they were going to do street sweeping on my road today? And yet, here you are parked in front of my house which they will bypass because  of your stupid piece of SHIT .
If you come across your car in the future, windows down, I will apologize now. I was walking with my box of road shit, trying to find somewhere to throw it away, tripped and fell against your Precious. Well you can imagine what happened to the box with no resistance to stop it. It propelled forward and inside. Oopsy. Sowwie. 
Signed, 
Front of House Parking Police


Dear People, 
A head's up. I'll be turning 50 in 9 months. No, I'm not happy about it but I am learning to slowly accept it. However, a few changes have and will occur. 
In bullet form: ( feel free to print it out and tuck it in your wallet for reference )  
• I am learning to live for myself more. Less for you.
• My patience isn't what it used to be. I'm trying to stretch it but I'm not always successful. 
• I refuse to be sucked into your drama fest. Go find like, I ain't it. 
• I need my 1/2 glass of wine. Every day. Stops me from blurting out things some people should be hearing. You're welcome. 
• I will walk away from you quicker now. I am worth more than just in a time of need. I don't have it in me anymore. 
• It takes a lot for me to reach out and be sociable so celebrate it if you are the chosen one that week.  
• Should you venture forth on the day I turn 50 to wish me a good one, check with my girls first. I have no way of knowing if I'll be human that day. Good luck, may the force field be with you.   
• If I misplace my iPhone and a public alarm bell sounds, drop everything and come help me find it. I live by iCal, it tells me what to do. Without it I am lost. Like a puppy out in the rain.  
• I have little regard for ignorance, selfishness or ego. If you are presenting any of these stay away. Stay far far away. 
• If you notice I look tired, for pity's sake, shut your pie hole. I already know I look like that.
• If you see I'm in a good mood, call everyone we know. It's time for a gathering complete with food and wine. This should happen once a month. Watch for signs, like.. I'm smiling or something odd ball like that.
• If you see me looking like I need a friend and I haven't managed to push you away yet, then come closer and give me a hug. I probably really need it. 
• If, after all that, you still want to be my friend, then you can consider yourself a solid lifer. Lucky you.