It's an overcast day at the moment, perfect time to haul out my camera and go play. But nope, laziness has struck me and here I sit at Starbucks people watching. Ohhh how I LOVE people watching.
I really really should be a street photographer ( full disclosure, I'm reading up on it like mad, studying the works of the greats ) but one needs people and busy, craziness and the heart of a city. At the very least a BIG town.
And if I've been struck down beaten by laziness then I'm sure not hopping in my car and driving an hour ( factor in construction, lights and traffic. Geezus SHOOT me now, I'm cringing at the thought ) to do it.
Not today.
For my tomorrows, however, that's another story. Oooohh I am looking forward to it, my trigger finger itches and I must scratch that itch. Soon.
However, my learning curve lately has been of a different kind altogether. And it's on a 'must learn' basis. I must, for my youngest daughter's sake.
She has been diagnosed with
PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and she's a lifer with it. Basically it becomes a gluten, dairy and sugar free way of life.
I know, right? Not for the faint of heart.
She surprised me by embracing it right away for she is not one to accept change easily or readily. I am proud of her and it's been a learning experience ( yup, you
can teach an old dog new tricks go figure! )
Sugar free no prob. I am a hypoglycaemic and have followed that diet since she was 9 months, it's a way of life they were brought up with.
But gluten and dairy free? Whoa! no more white/whole wheat flour, no milk. Limited cheeses ( I am on the hunt to find a brand of
Daiya cheese she'll actually
like. But for now, we have Swiss )
I watched her crumble the other day at the sheer amount of sacrifices she's had to make. Literally from one day to the next. It broke my heart to watch her struggle, to want what she can't have. We all have our moments where we want to say, 'Screw it' but she can't. This is her health and life at stake.
I made her go wash her face, left her daughter with Papa and we went to Bulk Barn. Buckwheat, oat, brown rice, almond, coconut flours among a few others. Tapioca and potato startch, pure buckwheat pasta,
sugar free dark chocolate chocolate chips ( holy shit, why helllooo there chocolate ) a few of the things we bought.
Yup, she is going to eat bread and pasta again. Ask me about the delicious sugar , gluten and dairy free blueberry muffins we've mastered. To go along with the lactose and sugar free chocolate icecream we have in the freezer.
As she says, ( when she nails and posts a certain recipe for something she craves ) ' Because F U PCOS'
Proud? Just a wee bit. She comes out swinging when something tries to knock her out.
And she usually wins. This is one war she has no intentions of losing.
Because Fuck Ya, that's my Boo. :-)
(As an aside, she's lost 34 lbs and still going! Hard works pays off, Peeps. She's living proof)
The internal war that my eldest daughter has been and is still fighting. (how does one survive the heartache of watching two daughters hurt, fall and fight these wars. well one simply does and it is a pretty sweet deal when they triumph)
It's been a long long time watching my eldest be unhappy. She's been struggling to find her footing and direction in this sometimes cruel stupid narrow-minded world and I've been powerless to help her along her way. ( One of the most impactful things I got from her was what she told me a few years ago. 'Mom', she said after I wished pain upon myself instead of my kids, ' Some times there are things that are not your path to walk'.
Yup, pretty much stopped me in my tracks and blew me away. She was 100% right on the pin.
No, it doesn't make it easier
but it allows me to be stronger for them when they are on such a path.
I know, right? She's a master at logic. It's how she won many an argument with me when I said no and fell upon the , 'Because I said so' line.
Anyhow, like I said, it's been a while. She left a 3 year relationship that should of ended a year into it, struggling to regain 'self' which she did. Not an easy task when bitterness and pettiness from the other side kept smacking her in the face. Repeatedly.
She left a job she was climbing the managerial level in but wasn't happy. That's mi Bella, high 5's babe.
She went back to University! Oh hell ya. After six years of being out of school she went back to what is a world away from high school. But she went back older, wiser, more mature and able to handle this type of educational environment. One of the biggest changes of her young life. ( yet was she ever young I wonder, she's such an old soul that one )
She has worked her damn butt off. Being recognized by the Dean, 3.9 GPA, scholarship. Yeah, she's owning that education and the
thousands of hours pouring over papers, reading, writing writing writing.
Brain fed. Check.
Heart? Another matter. She dated, she flirted and she got into another year long relationship. This one was rough on her as well. Her heart was involved but his wasn't. And truth be told, he was full of warts that affected her on many levels. Nope, no prince there.
Extraction from this was hard and painful. She floated, trying to regain her balance and in the effort made some steps towards the same type of situation. Only to be hurt and hurt over and over.
Hard to watch your kid hurt, I felt it, I cried and raged. Wanting to hurt the assholes that couldn't see what she had to offer.
Okay in truth, I always want to hurt those that hurt my daughters. Some I want to scratch and punch, others I want to do worse to. But it isn't my place, unless asked. And lucky my girls are smart enough not to ask, I'd probably make the 6 o'clock news and their father would probably be jailed.
But lately, I have watched her change. Gone is the heavy sad look in her eye. I see a clear twinkle in there, a ready laugh and a. . lightness about her.
She's in heavy heavy like. ( I have no idea if it's tipped into love , she's yet to tell me )
I have goosebumps as I write this, such is my happiness.
This relationship is different, I can see it, feel it and I LIKED her girlfriend right off the hop!
This woman has beautiful kind eyes, there's a natural genuine friendliness to her that comes across instantly. ( remember I'm a people watcher and an Aquarian. Ergo: I can spot a fake from a mile away, and can pretty much sum you up within the first 5 minutes )
And she
respects my daughter, how the hell can I NOT like her?!
I can't tell you how much of a soothing balm it is to my heart to watch my baby become her 'self' again. I can't put it into words.
****For those of you who have issues with homosexuality with your kids let me tell you two things:
#1- You have absolutely NO business picturing them and what they do sexually. Be it with a man or a woman. And if another woman makes your daughter happy then get on board. Stat. Because, at the end of it, that's what matters. Inner peace, happiness and someone to embrace life with.
#2- Homosexuality does NOT define WHO a person is. It is not the sum of what they are. They are humans and that means layers and layers of complexities, of personalities. . of characteristics. Love them for who they are not who they are sleeping with. ****
So it's been quite a time of it this year to watch both my 'babies' struggle, fighting to put one foot in front of the other and make sense of the direction their lives are heading in.
I've always said it and will say it again, I've got me two very strong women on my hands. Their dad and I can take some of the credit but mostly you best give it to them because they are full deserving of who they are, what they are becoming and where they are heading.
As for my end, I can now start to concentrate more on 'me' and I will be honest, I am looking forward to it. In the last four months, I've undergone some changes myself and am really enjoying the benefits of it.
I have let go of what I needed to, turning my concentration and efforts to where they are needed. I am happier. More free. Of expectations, of disappointment, of acceptance in things I am powerless to change.
Oh don't get me wrong, I am still working on things, some of which will take me a little while to work through but one foot in front of the other. Slow and steady, she will win the race.
Just like my beautiful daughters.
Happy trails, Peeps.
Jamie
