Walking a tightrope of my own doing

I've been struggling with this post all week. I find it hard to put emotions out there. Ironically the person I'm writing about here would get that. But one has to colour outside the lines sometimes, it's not all about comfort zones.
And when I write, I write for me.
So I guess this is a letter to myself. I hope it helps.

Dreams. Are they the product of your subconscious? Unanswered questions? A way for the mind to process?
I'm one of the unlucky ones that suffer night terrors but fret not for me. I married my nightmare slayer. He pulls me out of them, into the velvety darkness of night. Better to be awake in pitch black than down in the dredges of nightmare terror. But... this isn't about nightmares or my slayer.
It's about the dreams I've been having lately. Dreams of someone I cared deeply about, she's hurting and I want to help but I can't.
It spills unto my conscious waking state causing me to go tripping down memory lane a lot. And it really saddens me.

Last year I had to walk away from a deep friendship for many complex reasons. If truth be told, I think we were both heading that way, each having reached a point with SO much strife in our lives. Only I know I'm held accountable for it all. That's the part that makes me so so sad. I'm tired of having to carry the whole weight of the blame, to have to be given 'toxicity' award of the year, it's hard. It hurts and it's a heavy load to carry. 

I'm trying to work through that but it's my heart that won't let me. I keep hoping she'll will realize one day it's not all one sided but I'm losing faith that it will ever balance out. I would 'feel' it if it ever did, wouldn't I?

I can hear what you are saying...you say it's my own doing, this weight I carry to but you're wrong. It's the 'knowing' part that slivers and jags  at the reality. She knows  she didn't do wrong, I know it takes two but I know she takes comfort in her beliefs and carries on, while I feel the utter sadness of knowing the entire blame was passed on to me. I truly envy her for it. 
I wonder if time will blur the edges of the hurt, on both sides. I can't carry this knot around my heart for ever, it's very crowding. And I can't keep dreaming like this, there's no resolve.
Maybe when I start working again, I'll be too tired to think or sense.
Or dream.
Maybe I just need to grab my camera and go visually sooth my soul.
Maybe I need to talk to a professional.
Maybe I need a vacation.

Sigh.
Wanna know the bitch of it all? I miss the good parts of what made 'us'.

My tightrope, my balance.
I'm trying to find it.